To the Boyfriend Who Wrecked Me

To the first and only guy who cheated on me, who made me feel that I was not enough…thank you.

I remember the day(s) you told me about your unfaithfulness. After school you wanted to drive around and talk, we parked your Ford Explorer in Downtown Canton in an empty parking lot. We made small talk for a few minutes until I finally gathered enough courage to ask, “Is there something in particular you want to talk about?” You took a deep breath and my heart sank, what was going to come out of your mouth? You began to explain the party you went to last weekend (the party hosted by a girl that I had not heard good things about, but I trusted you anyway). You then told me that she had come onto you, that she had kissed you, but you pulled away. I was shocked, but at the same time not surprised? I had heard about her and the “kind of girl” she was, but I had a peace of mind that you pulled away from her and that you told me personally. I wasn’t mad or upset, I thanked you for coming to me and I let it go. But what if I would have reacted differently? Would you have ever told me (three days later) what REALLY happened that night? I don’t think so. I doubt that you would have ever told me that you slept with her, just like you didn’t tell me that it was actually a threesome with that girl and your best friend.

But I’m not here to talk about the situation in detail. I’m here to talk about how it ruined me and the person I was, and how it developed me into the woman I am now.

Being cheated on by the one person you never thought would hurt you can really mess someone up. I never had insecurities, up until that moment and then I became my biggest enemy. I was never enough in the relationship that I had chosen to stay in, and every “friend” you made (that was a female) I felt was a better fit for you than I was. Obviously the relationship didn’t work out because the choice you made caused the issues I began to have with myself. You truly ruined the person I was, happy and confident. I never thought I was special by any means, but I knew I was loved and thought I was perfect for you. You made me become a monster, someone who would look into the mirror everyday and would purposefully put myself down. I knew I was in a dark place and for the first time in about four years, I had to rely on myself for happiness. This was a big transition for me considering I became ridiculously dependent on you and our relationship after the incident. I had always been told that you cannot be happy with someone else until you’re happy with yourself, I never knew how incredibly true this statement is, and was at the time.

We went home for the summer, and from what I remember we didn’t talk a lot. I began doing things by myself and hanging out with different people, it was actually refreshing and I could start to envision myself happy…without you. Little did you know, I went on dates and started rekindling with the guy you forbade me to talk to (btw, we kept in touch the entire time). For the first time in, oh I don’t, three years, I wasn’t questioning my worth. I was content with myself and was on my own for eight months, before I started dating the man of my dreams.

Here is the part where I start to thank you; thank you for cheating on me, thank you for the toxic relationship we continued to be in two years after the fact, but most of all, thank you for pushing me to remove myself from the situation. Thank you for damaging me so I could find the strength to repair myself, and to find a man who continues to build on my self worth. I still had issues when beginning my new relationship, I was happy and independent, but had a difficult time believing the statements he told me. I remember him telling me in the beginning of our relationship, “I will make you feel beautiful and you will slowly start to see what I see.” Here I am, a year and a half later with the man I know I am made for, happier than ever. I know I am enough, I know I will never have to worry another woman, I know I am with the one whom my heart desires.

To the boyfriend who wrecked me, thank you. I have never been so pleased with myself and who I’ve become. I am beautiful and independent, I am loved and more than enough for the man I will marry.

Daily Writing Prompt: Cheyenne inside a Fortune Cookie

Happy Thursday to all my wonderful people out there, hope your day will be more productive than mine. So, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much I want to become a blogger and actually stick with it for more than a week. As you can see by the amount of times I’ve written on here, this isn’t something I have committed to, but all that is about to change.

Last summer before I left for Germany I bought a book that contains 500 writing prompts. I’ve written on three prompts in the past year and I couldn’t even tell you the last time I picked this book up. I had a great idea to kill two birds with one stone by picking out one prompt from this book each day (probably not weekends though) and using it on my blog. Some of these are pretty silly, but my goal is to start at the beginning and pick the best prompt from each page. I’m not sure how long I’ll use this book to guide my posts, hopefully just long enough to get me into a routine of posting and then I’ll allow my own creative juices to spill onto the page. Here we go.

Day 1: Write ten original thoughts that will be stuffed inside fortune cookies for perfect strangers to read. Explain why these thoughts are important to you.

  • Never allow someone’s actions towards you, or opinions of you determine your worth.
    • This is so incredibly important for all of us to remember. This world can be a cruel place and people say and do things that are hurtful, sometimes so hurtful it can make you question your worth . We’ve all been in the place where that ONE person knocked you down and you’re completely unaware of how to get up on your own. My best advice is to remove yourself from the negativity, and to wake up every single morning telling yourself that you are enough, the more you love yourself the less you care about other peoples opinion of you.
  • Surround yourself with people who radiate love.
    • We wonder why there’s so much hate in this world, it’s simple. Surround yourself with evil, and your thoughts and actions become evil. It’s important to work towards a better you every single day, the process is easier when you’re surrounded by people who lift you up.
  • Minimize the amount of time you spend on your phone/social media.
    • “Social” media, how ironic. Social media is literally causing people to become less and less social. Don’t get me wrong, I’m (obviously) on social media, I enjoy seeing pictures of your dogs and keeping up with people who I might not see on a regular basis. We care more about who just liked our picture on IG and if your funny tweet was funny enough to get a few RTs, that actually having a conversation with the person in front of us. Put your phone down, close your laptop. Go on a walk with your dog, or get coffee with a friend. It’s important to separate yourself from your devices for a few hours, and for God’s sake, GO SOCIALIZE. The younger gen., this is for you. At some point you’ll have to come out from behind these devices and actually have a conversation with someone you haven’t known since kindergarten (i.e. your first job interview, meetings with your professors when you go to college, etc.). These things will be a lot easier for you if you go ahead and start practicing your interpersonal skills.
  • Find an outlet.
    • I’m not talking about a power outlet for your electronics. Find something to get lost in when everything around you is a mess. Sometimes life gets overwhelming and you need a second to breathe. And finding more than one outlet is great, too. Cheerleading has been my outlet for, oh I don’t know, 13 years. Unfortunately, I can’t cheer forever. I now turn to reading, writing, and yoga. This is important to my sanity.
  • Get a dog.
    • You cannot live a fulfilled life without owning a dog (or for my cat people, a cat that acts like a dog). I’m telling you, there is NO ONE on this earth (sorry mom) that loves you and misses you when you’re gone, more than a dog. Need helping finding a breed? Get a Dachshund. They’re the best, but I might be a little biased.
  • Relationships are hard, but communication is key.
    • Everyone tells you this, but you never realize how important it is until you’re in a relationship with TERRIBLE communication. Learn how to express your feelings/issues in a way that you’re not belittling your SO. Seriously, start your relationship being open and honest and it will build the most solid foundation for you both to grow on.
  • Find your independence.
    • Let me first say that it’s okay if you’re a dependent person. I am 21 years old and called my mom last week and asked her how to make an omelet…I’m a dependent person. But finding your independence and being independent are two completely different things. What I mean by this is, stop depending on another person for your own happiness. People are imperfect and sometimes you get let down, that’s life. Rely on yourself, and only yourself for your own happiness.
  • Love wholeheartedly.
    • This one will be short and to the point. It’s scary, trust me I know. But why go to the pool if you’re only going to get your toes wet? Go ahead, dive in.
  • Forgiveness will improve your wellbeing.
    • I think this one is one of the most important thoughts I can give you. We’ve already discussed that people can suck. Do yourself a favor, and forgive the people that have caused you the most pain. Forgiving someone who has hurt you is like you have been thrown in the ocean with an anchor tied to your foot. And just when you think you’re about to drown you break free from the anchor, float to the surface, and you can breathe again. Let go of your anchor.
  • Do what sets your soul on fire, nothing less.
    • As an almost college graduate, I felt the need to express this. Stop worrying about what career will make you the most money. Yes, you obviously need to be able to survive, but money HAS to stop being the center of everyones goals. I’ll try to make this short, when I came to college I had the plan of being a Veterinarian. This was solely based off of my love for animals, but an added bonus was the salary attached with it. Biology was hard and I couldn’t get through it, so I decided to major in something I was passionate about. English. “What are you going to do with that? Teach? Become a journalist? There’s no money in humanities.” If I had a penny for every time I heard this, I would have as much money as a business major will have (insert eye-rolling emoji here). I’m not sure where I plan to go with my degree, but I love to write. So I’ll be here, probably poor, but at least I’ll be happy.

There we go, ten Cheyenne thoughts that would be stuff inside fortune cookies. I hope you all found this a mindless, but motivational read. Have a great day everyone and check back tomorrow!

Tomorrow’s prompt: What one rule from your childhood do you not agree with now that you’re an adult?

 

 

No Turning Back

As I lie in bed with a lit candle, the sweet sound of Ed filling my room and my fur baby at my feet, it’s very easy for me to be complacent. There are so many big changes coming my way and I”m not sure whether to be excited or terrified. Or if I just want to jump in my car, drive three hours to my mother’s house, and attempt to rob a few more years of childhood like the rest of my HS graduating class.

It’s quite unbelievable how fast these four years have gone by. I’ve basically waited for this semester since I graduated high school, and now here I am, three months until I graduate with my bachelor’s, wishing I could start this year all over. I love this apartment that I’ve been able to call my home for the past two years. I love this room, my room, which holds countless memories. Memories such as the first time Robert told me he loved me. And memories of when I found out my Pop passed away. Good memories and bad ones. I think I’ll miss my room the most.

I’ve never been a fan of change, and as I type this and reflect on my life I find myself becoming more and more complacent with how truly perfect this year is going. I’m enjoying my classes and I have the perfect job, I’ve surprisingly made it through the cheer season (almost) without murdering any of those disrespectful…never mind them. The truth is, all of these wonderful things make me want to hold onto where I am and makes it’s more difficult for me to release my time as a college student and start my new life in Charlotte.

Now don’t be confused, I am more than ready to live with the love of my life. I cannot wait to start our life together, and have a home together, and get a dog together (even though Solo will be ridiculously upset). I dream of these things almost every night, but with these sensational changes also comes finding a big girl job, and making big girl decisions, and paying big girl bills. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I know it’s apart of growing up, and this is what I’ve wished for all those years, right?

There’s no turning back now, adulthood is finally at my reach and my fingertips are soaked in glue. My options are to reach for another diploma or to grasp adulthood and make the best out of it…I think I’ll go with the second option.

The End Is Near

Before you start thinking that this post is going to be extremely dramatic on a subject that doesn’t contribute to society whatsoever…hear me out.

I believe it is extremely important for everyone in this world to have something they are passionate about, something that their body desires, because honestly, it makes waking up in the morning a little more bearable. I’ve been thinking a lot about passion, and how necessary it is to live day to day, happily. You’ve heard it time and time again, that “life is too short to be anything but happy”, and the older I get the more I understand how true the statement is. I’m creeping up on my senior year of college and it is absolutely terrifying, especially since I still have no idea what I want to do with my soon to be English degree, but I refuse to settle for something I’m not passionate about (for those of you that do not know me, I’m recently transitioning out of the English education department because of passion, or lack there of). I crave the feeling of knowing that you’re in exactly the field that you were meant to be in, and I will keep trying until I find right where I’m supposed to be.

Now that I’ve rambled on about passion and its importance, we can take it back to my highly dramatic title and where all of this links in. My passion, for as long as I can remember has been cheerleading. I’ve been committed to this sport for twelve years, but even before then it had always been something I begged my mom to sign me up for. In my younger years I was such a character, I was always singing and dancing, really doing whatever I could to be center of attention. I think that’s why cheerleading was so appealing to me, because of the shiny pom poms and big bows…you know, things to draw more attention to myself. I enjoyed cheerleading in my youth years, but it wasn’t until I was asked to join an All-Star cheerleading team that I realized there was much more to the sport besides standing on the sidelines. I won’t go into great detail about all of my past cheerleading experiences, so I’ll jump to the present. I’m currently the head captain of UNCG’s cheerleading team, and although I have had my good days and bad days with college cheerleading, I have stuck to it and I’m proud to be able to lead this team during my senior year.

Coming to realization that my outlet, my get away from all that is wrong with the world, is very close to coming to an end and is nearly one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt. Again, I know it seems like I’m being a mega drama queen, but bear with me. This upcoming year I will cheer for my last UNCG volleyball game, my last women’s and men’s basketball game, and my last SoCon tournament. I will mostly likely never stunt or tumble again, and sadly, lose all of the skills that I’ve worked so hard trying to master. I’m sure every athlete has/had that one moment during their sport that was so exhilarating, whether it be your first touchdown, soccer goal, home run, etc. I’ve never stopped having that moment of excitement, to go out on the court and feel all eyes on me (must be that center of attention thing) while I’m ten feet in the air. I never stopped getting nervous when it was our time to shine, it feels like the first time every single time and I love it. A part of me wishes that I would get burnt out on it this year, and half way through the season I start hating it just to make the departure easier. But we all know that isn’t going to happen and the other part of me is okay with that.

While the sadness begins to surface as the idea of my one true passion coming to an end continues to invade my thoughts, I want to take the time to thank all the people that have supported me throughout these years. I’m sure the closer it gets to March 2017 the more I’ll throw myself a pity party and forget that I couldn’t have even made it to this point in my life without some of you. Thank you to my mother who never missed a competition, sat in all weather conditions to hear the same cheers, watch the same dances, and have a heart attack every time I was thrown into the air. Thank you to my father who gave me the chance to go to college, therefore giving me the opportunity to cheer for a D1 college cheerleading team. Thank you to both of my parents for throwing away loads of money just to watch me become a dancing Minnie Mouse. Thank you to all of my teammates (from elementary school to college) for listening/joining in on the countless hours of complaining, crying, laughing, busted noses, lips, eyes etc. But most of all, thank you to all of my coaches. I would not, by any means, be where I am today without every single one of you, and I will forever be grateful for that. Thank you for always pushing me, believing in me, yelling at me, disciplining me, and being my second mothers/fathers because God knows I spent as much time with you all as I did with my own parents.

They said that every good thing comes to an end, I just didn’t think the end would come this fast.